complexity

Dance of Masks

2009-03-02T04:32:00.003+08:00

I see that I've made a few people unhappy over the past few days, driving them to hate me. Well, it's a horrible, horrible feeling to be hated by more and more people each day, and this is primarily caused by my love for arguing and my ability to go on as if everything is normal after a particularly heated and vehement one. But apparently, they don't... and try, rather bewilderingly, to hide that fact.

This, people, is the dance of masks. Where the opposing side tries by all means and all ways to keep the mask on, even to the extent of lying for the sake of keeping up pretenses. This is bad, but we all do it sometimes, even me, for the sake of avoiding conflict and being more or less happy. Many a times, I have to supress my views and try not to impose them on other people to still be friends with them, for example... the problem of this approach is that sooner or later, very obvious signs will come through that will make them realize your fascade in time, as you have to vent your frustration, anger, sadness, others... some way or another. Masks are far less genuine than the real thing after all... and after awhile, things get pretty dumb.

My pet peeve here is the masks worn by people who actually are annoyed with me to some extent already. In this case, unlike the opposite where people wear those masks out of a genuine want to keep a friendship or so on, these misguided people decide to wear masks so as to not spark anything big, and yet distance themselves away from people as far as possible without being too obvious. Signs include, say, constant excuses to drive people away, refusal to be called on the pretense of business, conversations where the opposing side might as well be using chatting macros, etc. all of these slowly but surely contribute to a very very uncomfortable feeling that will accumulate over time, and will lead to a lot of things.

Of course, when you dance with masks on, your sense of vision is severely impeded at times, and that makes you trip over yourself rather clumsily a good number of times. Evidences can be obvious contradictions of interest, stupid, not-thought-out reasons to drive people away (a.k.a I'm studying and I can't comment to your post even though I commented to people who posted later than you did it makes perfect sense go away darnit), and this is usually the final straw for the dancing partner. They demand to know the truth, the opposing party manages to tie themselves in more and more knots (e.g they are closer to me than you will ever be, omg you don't believe don't believe lah), and when you press forward as hard as you can, they break down and in the heat of impassioned fervor spill out everything; every single point of discontentness being thrown at you, throwing the mask down as angrily as possible and taking a deep breath in order to seem bigger than usual while shouting at you. Blinded by rage, they tend not to see the obvious too, and that makes them look silly. This is followed by a long period of silence.

Of course, there are some who take advantage of the missteps the one not wearing the mask makes, and see that as a perfect excuse to walk away with a dignified expression.

The above, as you can see from my portrayal, is absolutely silly and foolish and has no plausible explanation that I can think of. It is silly to try and avoid conflict by wearing a mask and minimizing contact, because those exact same things will lead to an even bigger blowup than usual. People don't like to be caught red-handed, and are really rather angry when they are discovered, so in order to try and win you, they tend to exaggerate everything (e.g I won't apologize you fag i didn't do anything wrong). They also tend to forget everything you have done for them in the process, the reviews made, the encouragment given, the good conversations had and gifts exchanged, and emphasize the bad to such a large extent that it makes you out to be a really really horrible person when you're in fact not totally so. Also they tend to forget that you're a person with feelings too, and unlike theirs up to this point, yours are genuine. Really superficial outburst that is quite banal and that can be easily countered if one bothers to.

Even the idea of using masks to save time and energy is silly. You're going to waste your time blowing up things anyways. So what do I suggest here? Simple. Instead of throwing down the mask and breaking it into pieces when the peak of anger comes, why not be natural and tell the other party what you don't want from him and 'argue' out with him in a sensible way? Or if he doesn't seem sensible, then simply tell him, that you're annoyed with him and such, and that you disagree with everything he says. Or if you really hate him, just kill him (but make sure to say something of course. Don't ignore, that's blatant barbarism). It can't be anymore painful than now, for example, and it certainly cannot expend more time and energy than the peak I have described above, becomes it comes sooner than later, and probably at less magnitude than the long periods of silence and the sensationsalism that comes as things get pent up. There's also some chance that you guys as friends can continue dancing without the masks on, and stay as friends and strengthen that friendship.

So in short, using fascades to cover up the fact that you're annoyed at someone is really short-sighted and rather retarded. If it's, however, a genuine attempt to keep the friendship, than that is better, because you're still being natural about your feelings on the whole, and is less freaking obvious than the many spiked barbs that you're going to dance into blind and unprepared.

Deservance.

2008-12-18T01:16:00.003+08:00

I've been starting to hate the word 'deserve' lately when one uses it in the negative, condemning sense, in that it is really just an additional way to impose views and thoughts onto someone else. It is, by very definition, a generalist word of personal measure, which says absolutely nothing on it's own, for it is really impossible for there to be a universal definition encompassing everyone's views of who should deserve what and not. Poetic justice is one attempt at it, but even so, it's merely popular morals and beliefs taken form, which not everyone agrees with. I hate the dramatic perversions of it by some people to fit poetic justice for their needs, though. For example,

"You deserve to die for killing my daughter"

is pretty much fine and accepted thinking for many people, having firm foundations in the idea of revenge as a form of justice, as popularized in Shakesphere, popular belief, and Hollywood. And

But things like...

"I think your method of studying sucks and you don't deserve as many marks as the person who does things the conventional way, even though practice seems to say otherwise."

"You didn't sign up for Math Remedial while the smartest guy in class did! You deserve to get very low marks this exam"

"You have no outside interest for maths outside of textbook syllabus, you're only doing this for bland necessity, and obviously, you don't deserve to get as high as me.

"You took the shortcut around the mountain while I had to climb to the peak, endure dangerous perils, mosquitoes, avalanches, frostbite, and an amputated arm. I don't care about what you think, the fact remains that I endured more suffering while you hardly suffered any; obviously I [b]deserve[/b] to win the race more than you do. Because suffering is good. "

... are things I really find issue with, especially the above two. Who speaks for the perpertrator? Himself! Whose views that blind suffering and effort should always prevail over a good sense direction are they? The person speaking! Then why use the word 'deserve' to signal softly, the empty chorus of a hundred voices backing the person up? Why use the word 'deserve' to signal a dark omen, a dark presence waiting to smite people down for the 'sins' they have caused? It is so offensively dumb, that I don't know what else to say, and I hate it especially when I'm used in front of the word itself. It is used as a balloon for closed-minded people to scare people and play offensive, but such fascades wouldn't (and shouldn't) last for long, for a balloon is forever far smaller than it seems.

So yeah, emphasize the "me and myself feel that you deserve to die in a smelly pit" aspect of any such condemnation instead of words such as 'deserve' now. I'm not really speaking of religion and more obvious moral sensitivities among the public, I'm speaking of things that are obviously legal, obviously alright and acceptable, that people can't stand due to jealousy, emotional impassioned fervor, or simple hatred, resorting to eupherisms such as 'deserve' to push forward their point without much reason. Also, I'm sad for no reason, but yay, got that out of my system.

Despair Cycle

2008-12-10T15:06:00.002+08:00

When you spend the entire afternoon doing Kakuro puzzles and eating fruitcake, being unable and unwilling to do anything you would normally like to do, you know that you're pretty much in despair. You think of some people (not just one) and well, you start to have an inferiority complex, that you're not much to many people, that you're just someone insignificant drifiting in the wind, important only to yourself and nothing else.

You start feeling that, despite all your achievements, all your notecharts, your stories, your music, your compositions, you almost feel as if you would like to burn them all in order to say, be better friends with many people, and that... you might be annoying a certain number of people. You have a yearning for having better rapport with lots of people; this year has told me that most of your worth is measured by how others value you. I feel as if I'm quite peniless.

You then start to see ghosts and phantoms everywhere. Perhaps, he hates you, perhaps she's not too happy about what you did yesterday, perhaps you were a bit too arrogant, too ignorant about some minor detail and that people are not your friend anymore. A few people have forsaken me because I have recurring diseases of the personality, which leads to quarantine and death in solitude. You then start thinking deeply, and after awhile, the most absurd of hypotheses seem to make sense.

People have told me, time and time again, that the best thing to do in this case is absolutely nothing. It seems kind of paradoxical, in almost all other cases, it's almost always good to do something. So sometimes, I kind of find myself unable to stop myself, so I start typing something long, inflammatory, and jump to conclusion-ey against someone I find vague issue with.

Then when I'm about to press send, you then remember what that person has done for you. Not great in magnitude or number, but sincere at heart. Perhaps he/she doesn't hate you after all. You then decide to talk to him/her for awhile, and you find out that everything is fine.

This happens once in a fortnight for me. It's a neverening cycle, and I'm pretty much sick of it. Wish I could cure myself. (pun)

Mafia

2008-12-07T23:12:00.002+08:00

I have been playing this little group game on various forums throughout the last three months, on and off due to promos and such. Well, it's very interesting, and I'm pretty much hooked on it and intending to spread out to some friends.

Do refer to this flash...

Here

I'm sure that some people might have played this as a party game and such, but the forum version's a little different. In the live version, I guess it's pretty much more of looking at faces and guilty reactions than analyzing arguments, but in the forums, it's pretty much a different ball game altogether. There is substantial theory published about the game... and it's a great test of argumentative skill, blending into territory, and all sorts of things.

Basically, the game is as follows. There are two groups of people, town and mafia. Mafia know who they are, while townies don't. The aim of the Mafia is to kill enough townies for themselves to form a majority, while that of town is to eliminate all mafia. During the day phase, everyone discusses, with townies trying to confirm themselves and push lynches on who they think is scum by voting, and scum trying to hide. There are various arguments to do this. After a majority of votes is formed, the person is lynched and his identity revealed. Then during the night phase, scum will night kill one of the townies. This goes on, I guess... Of course, there are plenty of variations, but this is the basic game. Ho well... yeah.

Also, I got more music scores. Quite happy with that.

Crawl

2008-12-02T23:18:00.003+08:00

Crawl is an interesting rouge-like dungeon crawl game which I have been toying around with for the past few days. Here's my best run so far.

---

6829 Dazzaqui the Slicer (level 10, -9/67 HPs)
Began as a Sludge Elf Assassin on Dec 1, 2008.
Killed from afar by an electrical eel (12 damage)
... with a bolt of electricity
... on Level 13 of the Dungeon.
The game lasted 02:18:33 (15342 turns).

Dazzaqui the Slicer (Sludge Elf Assassin) Turns: 15342, Time: 02:18:33

HP -9/67 AC 11 Str 10 Exp: 10/9097 (1), need: 214
MP 14/14 EV 16 Int 16 God: No God
Gold 462 SH 0 Dex 20 Spells: 1 memorised, 10 levels left

Res.Fire : . . . See Invis. : . R - +2,+3 short sword
Res.Cold : . . . Warding : . C - +3 leather armour
Life Prot.: . . . Conserve : . (no shield)
Res.Poison: . Res.Corr. : + o - +0 helmet
Res.Elec. : . Clarity : . d - -1 elf cloak
K - +3 pair of gloves of Traecat
Sust.Abil.: . Rnd.Telep. : . (no boots)
Res.Mut. : . Ctrl.Telep.: . s - amulet of resist corrosion
Res.Slow : . Levitation : . L - ring of wizardry
Saprovore : . . . Ctrl.Flight: . r - +2 ring of intelligence

@: somewhat resistant to magic, very stealthy
A: Dex +1
a: no special abilities

You were on level 13 of the Dungeon.
You were not hungry.

You visited 2 branches of the dungeon, and saw 15 of its levels.

Inventory:

Hand weapons
a - a +1,+3 elven dagger
b - a +0,+0 elven blowgun
t - a +0,+0 hammer
u - a +0,+1 sling
w - a -1,+0 orcish short sword
D - a +0,+0 knife
G - a +0,+0 whip
R - a +2,+3 short sword (weapon)
T - a +0,+0 bow
Missiles
e - a poisoned +0 elven needle
i - 221 +0 stones
A - 19 poisoned +0 needles
Armour
c - a +1 elven robe
d - a -1 elven cloak (worn)
o - a +0 helmet (worn)
q - a +0 animal skin
z - a +0 pair of gloves
C - a +3 leather armour (worn)
K - the +3 pair of gloves of Traecat (worn)
(You found it on level 5 of the Dungeon)
It affects your accuracy (+3).
Magical devices
p - a wand of slowing (5)
Comestibles
k - 3 apples
n - a choko
v - a bread ration
y - a meat ration
Scrolls
g - a scroll of enchant weapon II
h - 3 scrolls of magic mapping
j - 2 scrolls of remove curse
m - 2 scrolls of teleportation
B - a scroll of fear
Q - 3 scrolls of detect curse
V - a scroll of identify
Jewellery
f - an uncursed amulet of conservation
r - a +2 ring of intelligence (left hand)
s - an amulet of resist corrosion (around neck)
L - a ring of wizardry (right hand)
Potions
N - 2 potions of resistance
Books
l - a book of Hinderance
x - a book of Charms

You had 1 experience left.

Skills:
+ Level 7 Fighting
+ Level 10 Short Blades
+ Level 2 Darts
+ Level 10 Dodging
+ Level 8 Stealth
+ Level 3 Stabbing
+ Level 2 Traps & Doors
+ Level 1 Spellcasting
+ Level 3 Evocations

You had 10 spell levels left.
You knew the following spells:

Your Spells Type Power Success Level
a - Confusing Touch Ench #......... Very Good 1

Overview of the Dungeon

Branches:
Lair : D:9

Altars:
Beogh: D:11

Shops:
D:6: !

Innate Abilities, Weirdness & Mutations

You are agile (Dex +1).

Message History

The imp blinks.
The giant brown frog hits you!
* * * LOW HITPOINT WARNING * * *
The giant brown frog hits you but doesn't do any damage.
The electrical eel shoots out a bolt of electricity!
The bolt of electricity hits the slime creature.
The bolt of electricity hits you!

#############
............J.
....{{{{{{.....
.....{{{{{J.J..
.......;{{{.J..
................
.............[..
.....5FJ........
.......@........
................
..............{
.............{.
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............
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You could see an imp, four slime creatures, a giant brown frog, and an electrical eel.

Vanquished Creatures
2 giant brown frogs
A cyclops (D:12)
Donald (D:11)
2 hungry ghosts
A yak (D:11)
A necrophage (D:11)
3 ogres
5 big kobolds (D:7)
3 centaurs
3 ice beasts
3 phantoms
6 war dogs (Lair:2)
4 gila monsters
The ghost of Dazzaqui the Insei, an average SEMo (D:3)
A yellow wasp (D:11)
5 giant frogs
A brain worm (D:12)
4 brown snakes
5 orc warriors
5 killer bees (D:10)
A yaktaur zombie (D:11)
6 imps
5 hounds
4 orc priests
2 wights
A shadow (D:9)
4 orc wizards
3 scorpions
6 giant iguanas
Ijyb (D:8)
2 jellies
A worm (D:6)
A big kobold zombie (D:7)
A giant lizard zombie (D:8)
7 snakes
A giant mite (D:3)
An ooze (D:4)
2 giant eyeballs
4 giant cockroaches
8 giant geckos
17 goblins
17 grey rats
15 hobgoblins
4 jackals (D:9)
53 orcs
5 quokkas
19 giant bats
10 giant newts
A hobgoblin zombie (D:5)
18 kobolds
A kobold zombie (D:5)
11 rats
2 small snakes
A plant (D:11)
292 creatures vanquished.

Vanquished Creatures (others)
A hobgoblin (D:8)
4 orcs
A giant newt (D:5)
3 rats
9 creatures vanquished.

Grand Total: 301 creatures vanquished

Notes
Turn | Place | Note
--------------------------------------------------------------
0 | D:1 | Dazzaqui, the Sludge Elf Assassin, began the quest for the Orb.
0 | D:1 | Reached XP level 1. HP: 12/12 MP: 0/0
293 | D:1 | Reached XP level 2. HP: 17/18 MP: 1/1
1756 | D:2 | Reached XP level 3. HP: 25/26 MP: 2/3
2011 | D:2 | Reached skill 4 in Stealth
2810 | D:3 | Reached XP level 4. HP: 30/30 MP: 4/4
2885 | D:3 | Defeated Dazzaqui's ghost
2885 | D:3 | Reached XP level 5. HP: 28/34 MP: 5/5
4569 | D:5 | Entered Level 5 of the Dungeon
4597 | D:5 | Reached XP level 6. HP: 36/38 MP: 6/7
4615 | D:5 | Got a pair of bloodstained gloves
4618 | D:5 | Identified the +3 pair of gloves of Traecat (You found it on level 5 of the Dungeon)
4757 | D:5 | Reached skill 5 in Stealth
5428 | D:5 | Reached skill 5 in Dodging
5794 | D:6 | Reached XP level 7. HP: 44/44 MP: 8/8
5813 | D:6 | Reached skill 5 in Short Blades
6053 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Traps & Doors
6141 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Spellcasting
6152 | D:6 | Reached skill 1 in Evocations
6173 | D:6 | Reached XP level 8. HP: 47/48 MP: 10/11
6751 | D:7 | Reached skill 6 in Dodging
7048 | D:7 | Reached skill 7 in Dodging
7248 | D:7 | Reached XP level 9. HP: 45/57 MP: 12/13
7973 | D:8 | Reached skill 5 in Fighting
8401 | D:8 | Reached skill 8 in Short Blades
8526 | D:8 | Noticed Ijyb
8539 | D:8 | Defeated Ijyb
9628 | Lair:1 | Entered Level 1 of the Lair of Beasts
10140 | Lair:2 | Reached XP level 10. HP: 45/63 MP: 14/14
10271 | Lair:2 | Reached skill 9 in Short Blades
10693 | Lair:2 | HP: 1/65 [gila monster (12)]
10712 | Lair:2 | Gained mutation: You are agile (Dex +1).
11142 | Lair:1 | Learned a level 1 spell: Confusing Touch
11501 | D:10 | Entered Level 10 of the Dungeon
12871 | D:11 | Noticed Donald
13405 | D:11 | Reached skill 10 in Short Blades
13417 | D:11 | Defeated Donald
13534 | D:11 | Reached skill 10 in Dodging
15341 | D:13 | HP: 3/67 [giant brown frog (9)]
15342 | D:13 | Killed from afar by an electrical eel

---

Yes, this is a game where you can die when luck turns against you. I never knew that an electric eel could shoot out electric bolts, but nooo, it did and did a huge amount of damage. It's rather classic (we're talking about 1980s), but these kind of games have the strategic depth and openess that RPGs nowadays usually do not possess (yes, even Final Fantasy).

So there you have it. Do search it up on wikipedia, if you're interested.

Rekindling

2008-12-01T23:12:00.003+08:00

Oh yay, I haven't updated this blog in like 5 months. Seems that I can never be consistent in things that I'm not too interested in. In fact, the reason why I'm actually writing something now is because a friend of mine started blogging again. Since I have been engaging in a few interesting activities lately during the holidays, I guess I could start from there. Right now, all I'll say is that I have worthwhile plans for the rest of the holidays, and it's in my interest to fufill their goals. Also, I'm quite happy that a great many people whom I thought hated me don't really hate me after all. Some people still do, though.

About Academics

2008-07-03T21:54:00.002+08:00

*sighs* With what is possibly the worst exam result in my whole entire life, I can safely say that, in order to do anything close to well, effort needs to be put in. To be honest, I have never liked the education system in Singapore; the scatterburst system, where one spends so much time to study subjects just to forget them two years later. The phantoms of history, geography, literature, and biology gives this accusation shape and solidity; subjects I have learnt vaguely about the past years and have almost completely forgotten now. It is hard to deny the fact that education here is inherently flawed; it's like a journey forcing you to carry heavy, heavy bags, and to drop some of them unopened at checkpoints. And soon, chemistry, and economics would join the festival of ghosts, haunting me as I think of time lost; which I could have used for an inifinite amount of things.

I strongly feel this way, but unfortunately, the more I think about my views, the more I realize that... no matter how correct they maybe, there is no point in sodding about them. After all, for the likes of me, and many others, our system is the only sure step forward. The road may be long and winding, but it's the only clear one. All other paths, such as entrepreunership, lead into dark forests of the unknown, which may result in people falling into ditches or getting eaten by leprachauns by something; though I guess the wary do make it out with money faster than those who go by education. But... there's no complaining about it... I have to do well, because I have no alternative. I maybe gifted in compososition, but the truth remains that there are many better than me out there. Same goes to story writing or programming; education is the only sure step forward. And I have to abide by that path; due to my environment; there's no way around it.

This is not to say that I agree with education even on the most basic level; I consider a composed song; a story written, worth a day of school, and there are instances where I have skipped school due to mild discomforts for the sake of finishing these pet projects. No one can blame me for this, for material that can be looked back on with pride more than compensates forhalf-filled lecture notes and lost 'going through time'.

*sighs*

Okay, this rant has no point at all, as I have stated, since there is no other way to go it. It probably indicates, however, that I have lost the drive to study anything quite a long time ago; and the fact that the method worked (to some extent) for the 'O's did... encourage me a little. It is sad, but the truth remains that I must work harder, with great reluctance, in order to score well enough to fight another year. Perhaps some subjects could be worked on; perhaps I could do some psychological tricks for motivation; perhaps I can set certain people as the benchmark to aim for. Either way, I have to do something about this; being able to spell BEES with grades is not a good thing in any sense.

Recounting is Prety Easy.

2008-06-29T11:40:00.001+08:00

When one embraces an illusion so tightly that he believes it to be true, does it necessarily blossom into reality? Perhaps that was my wish and hope at that time, that everything would work out amicably; that at the very least, maybe I'll get to be a distant friend of hers, to be able to talk to her in small little conversations that would not matter too much to her, but matter lots to me...

But of course, this turned out to be nothing less than a massive conceptual error; when one stands in front of a mirror, all he sees is but an image, no matter how much he wishes it to solidify, an image will be an image. An illusion will always be an illusion; the tuxedo and the rose stalk can never hide the monster that one truly is... Inexplicably, I stood for the immaterial, the easily changeable; Reason no longer the driving force behind any of my further actions. It was a mistake that caused me to take my heart up to dizzying heights and depths; my emotions to run crazy through the gauntlet of hormones, appearances, and handphone messages, and... not long after, cause them to all slam dead and deep into a pit of boiling mud.... immersing me into the dark depths of despair, with her dress getting stained by some of it. A horrible mistake it was, and... I regret it fully...

Strum the instrument and play the sad, sad song, let the winter grow in strength and bury me into a cold, deep sleep.

---

The silence... was it something imaginary; imagined by me as an excuse for me being perpetually down, or was it as real as the person in front of me? The bespectacled, short, and thin girl with a weird curly hairstyle, sat across the huge circle formed in the hall; our orientation group was playing some kind of weird ice-breaker game. I eyed her with a little caution in my expressions; deliberately trying not to stare at her for more than 5 seconds at a time, though obviously, she isn't paying much attention to me, which is alright, and... I don't think I was being too obvious. Maybe I was? I shifted my gaze over again to some random person; to keep the dynamic of the stalker going. Notice, and not be noticed; keep the illusion up; she looked so pretty in that position. Vaguely, I registered the fact that the game had just started; as my mind remained engulfed in a haze of red and blue...

---

I have no idea as to why I was so attracted to her; was it romance, or merely obsession? My thoughts were a little messed up then, she was indeed pretty, but when I tried to put that prettiness into words, she didn't seem like she was anyone special. She seemed pretty smart as a person, though a little frail and she had many, many friends which she talked with many, many times, but still, she did not seem to take a huge role in anything just yet. That was all I knew about her, through observation, really; and yet, something really... caused my mind to blank a little bit today. To proclaim that you like a girl because she was ‘interesting’ is pretty weird, right? My mind tried to search for some reason... but love often lacks one; was this some kind of infatuation? Not too sure.

Perhaps it was because she told me that she was a Grade 8-der on the piano, as a passing remark to a query I just shot out from nowhere, but she was by no means the first to answer. This feeling; it was really somehow an abstract one, that I could not even begin to describe... It was not necessarily critical or impactful in any sense, but it was certainly uncomfortable, and as to what would happen as a result, I had not much of an idea...

---

Without any apparent action, she begins to envelop me in a cloud of vague affection while standing still. Every laugh, every time she plays the piano, every time her name is called out, my attention shifts. I do talk with others, of course; there are other people which I can relate to; gamers, more introverted people, etc. I'm not that lonely after all. But she makes her presence felt more effectively than anyone else I see or hear about during the orientation. We were in separate groups (A and B), which eases (or strengthens?) the pain a little, but... it's all the same. I itch to communicate with her through a proper conversation, but that was too difficult for the likes of me to accomplish; I simply could not bear to talk to her... I'm sure that I was not much of a special person either; my strengths lie in what I do alone, and am not too apparent by any means to the common stranger. Perhaps she thought that I was smart but slightly plump; even the way she portrays me is of considerable interest. There is nothing I can do; what I wish for is that she would make the first move; but hahaha, that would never happen... she was introverted herself too, to some extent, though I guess that she was definitely friendly and kind, judging from her huge social circle. She probably thought absolutely nothing for me... if I wanted anything to happen; I had to make the first move, and break the barriers that make up my personality... what to do, what to do...

And oh, strike one for me. Shall lose the game pretty quickly, then.

---

Well, our orientation group got chosen for the upcoming skit competition for tonight. It was simple, each house held auditions for each of the orientation groups under the house, and chose the best one to represent the house for their 'OG Nite'; stupid uninspired descriptive sentences like the previous one deserve to burn in hell, and I'm sure bilingually proficient Grace could do much better (readers take note); I hated my part. I really did. Doing tribal dances were certainly not the kind of thing I enjoyed at all, and the fact that the inspiration for this came from youtube really turned me off. But well, I had to do it, since everyone had to do their part (I could relate to that), and because I could see her act from backstage... surprisingly, she was chosen to do the part of the “oh so cute” TV reporter; which was pretty major; I could sense that she was a little uncomfortable in playing the role; despite the pretence of happiness she put up, her uncommitted voice and her unwillingness to go with the skit gave her away. As compared to the minor role I was playing, I guess she was suffering a little more, from my point of view (which might be wrong). This was where a major fault of hers seemed to show itself pretty distinctly; she was a person who went with the flow; who put her friends before herself, who did whatever her friends told her to do... this was one of the few things I seemed to be right about of course, on retrospect. At the very least, I was not blind to her faults, I guess... But that lying in the ashes of that fault, could also be a phoenix of strength. After all, it was always more enjoyable to be with people than to be with yourself.

How it went, how it went... I felt like wishing her good luck (and another person, so as to make it seem that I was not eyeing her), but well, she was too far away from me, both physically and metaphorically. I wished for her to give it her best shot, quietly, under my breath, as she disappeared from backstage, laughing with her friends through the door once again.

---

Feeling more calm-headed at that moment, for some intangible reason, I managed to listen and understand the rules of the game being played... I was prone to long spells of daydreaming since I was young... many regarded it as a fault of mine, but I regard as a kind of sanctuary.. to immerse myself into fluid seas of creativity as I think with a mind whited out, in a good way. There was a certain kind of joy to be felt in such endeavours... and I guess I felt slightly more comfortable... her grip on my heart loosened. It still did seize for a moment when she came within my sights again, after two hours of absence, but well, this time, it was surprisingly tame... for a short, short moment; deep breaths, deep breaths...

And as she smiled again, once again with her friends as she sat down at the far side of the circle. At this instance, my heart quietened down again. It was comforting to see her happy, though that effect that could have on me could also be… inverted; jealousy seething, worry and feelings of incompetence combining with each other to send me over the edge… But for now, it was fine.

The game was like glorified whacko, but with two people making up the edge of the circle instead of one. It was played the same way like always, but the inner edge of people would be mute, and the outer edge would call out the names of people in the inner circle to distract the hitter away. This was somehow fun; whacko was always one of my favourite games. After a person is finally hit, the person’s former mouth would shift forwards to become a body, the triumphant whacker would sit behind him or her, and the caught would assume the form of a newspaper man.

I hate myself for that paragraph; I really, really do; inappropriate humour at inappropriate times. I wonder if Grace uses this device often.

But during the course of the game, she suddenly sat behind me after the game went on for quite some time. I was not even clever enough to hope for that; I did not notice the potential opportunity for her to sit behind me. But what warmed my heart for the rest of two hours… was the fact that she talked to me. She tapped my shoulder and asked for my name. Happily, I replied and asked her name too (though I already knew from the start). This… was somehow cute, and though this conversation lasted for a short while, I guess it was something that made me feel… happy for awhile.

And when I got caught all of a sudden, she said sorry laughingly… I guess I felt that it would be a precursor to some potential wish; to do this every once in awhile. When I look back at it now, I feel sad and lonely; the memory was ingrained in my brain, and it was odd… as that memory turned from sweet and happy to sad and bitter as the year progressed. It was a clear sign… that she was not to blame for my depression. She was friendly, kind and happy, though probably studious, and from this memory, I felt strongly… I regretted strongly… what I did later in the year. If only I kept my distance, things may have been slightly different. She could have replied my SMSes once in awhile as a distant acquaintance… and I guess I would have been in a better state that I am in now.

I was the one at fault for what I did; emotions clouding my mind like fog… me stabbing blindly in the cloak to find a way out… only to find that I… slashed her instead…

But this was one of the happier parts of the year… and I would treasure it dearly; whether it be a curse, or a blessing.

---

The performance itself was lacklustre. Grace fumbled with her lines for a while; other than that, she did as expected. I do not really think that she was the one to put the biggest blame on, however. It was more of a fault of the script. Only a few hollow laughs by the audience pierced unconvincingly through the air… and the tribal dance at the end attracted lots of laughter, which was mainly unintentional…

This was depressing.

We went back to the audience… and went with the programme. Rather strangely… she sat alone this time, her face like an empty slate through all this time. This was… in sharp contrast to what she was before… a happy person, having fun with her friends, and I wondered to myself, if she could live without them. Did she have her own hobbies to embrace; to conduct in secret, like I did? Were family and friends the most important things in the world to her? Questions filled my mind as the night continued to pass, as I looked at her from time to time; her not noticing me. This was because, during that period of time, she looked more introverted than I did. She did not speak a word to anyone around her… while I did speak a few sentences to acquaintances close by, about how the performance was good; about how the performance was bad, and so on. There was something to be said about how she conducted herself… her back was straight, her hands over each other on the skirt, watching the stage intently, her face not showing any semblance of opinion each time. The sight was almost pretty, but it was more subtle than anything else I’ve seen about her… it was quite an experience to see. Maybe I remember it so well as this would be one of the last times I would ever see that side of her again.

I wonder if me making fun of wannabe pianists trying to play Jay Chou (I despised him dearly) on faulty organs destroyed her opinion of me. But that was a weird branch of the main path… I should not talk much about that, for it was one of the things I could not have prevented, since I did not know that she liked Jay Chou.

---

Photos were taken, farewells and ‘good luck’s were given, as the orientation came to a close. Although I may look back at such times with nostalgia now, I was more sulky about the entire thing at the time itself. Any memory associated with Temasek… should be treasured deeply. I loved the school, I guess, and I wonder if I would still love it now. She probably loved the school itself too.

I saw her hug one of our Orientation Group Leaders for awhile (female, of course); she was fairly popular in the group, although that same popularity was mostly subtle. I guess even someone as seemingly refined as her (this might be an illusion) did have the traits of the more active ones around me. I would turn out to be one of the black sheep in the group, but I guess I would leave that memory for later. Anyways, I was presented with a choice; we did not have our dinner yet and most of the orientation group members would be going out for one. I could either go home, or go with them. I was undecided, but I saw Grace, saying that she wanted to go home I guess. She waved goodbye to her friends and with a tinge of happiness, she walked towards the main gates…

And overcome with some semblance of want, I did the same to the people I knew shortly after, and followed her.

And managed to say goodbye to her.

She returned that goodbye to me, and I guess I felt very happy then too. I saw, from the bus stop, her crossing the road with two people who seemed to be her grandparents. Judging from my own experience, I guess she was much more close to her family than I was. I did not know her results then, but she was definitely a model student to behold; she was academically very strong. It was easy to see that from her appearance alone. They disappeared off to the small crowd in the hawker centre… and this made me feel a little disappointed in myself… perhaps I should do the same to my own grandparents after all…

But family background is family background. It’s hard to change the flow after all… I did not really have the drive to do it. This was the beginning of her influence over my other aspects of life, however, and that would be an interesting study in itself. The thing in my mind then, however, was that of extreme happiness and warmth. I said goodbye to her, after all. As I said, small things that matter so much to me, but little to her, that was the dream of the dolphin. Something about this did not feel right however, but still, I was happy. I made the promise to myself, not to interact with her any further…, which I broke the next day.

But that was where The End should be put. A lukewarm ending to a short, short, story, which would give me something sweet to remember in the future; this was where it should have ended. If only I had known the stormy future ahead of me… I would have done so. Perhaps interact with her months later, through short SMSes about how she was doing, and I might have been complete. I might even have that silver of a chance to push me on… to have her as a friend… And then, I could have…

The greatest mistake of my life was underway, and it would haunt me forever, her never forgiving me…

---

Motif and function, how different instances of seeing her could affect my emotions and make it jump to heights and depths. Also a glimpse of how she could influence my life so easily; she influenced where I wanted to go for example. This was a perverted love, in some way… almost like a stalker and its prey. But this was also my character; my way of doing things; always destined to fail. This was the start of the end of me… I guess; happy memories turning rotten with every passing minute… to the point where I wish I did not meet her at all (I’m sure she wishes the same). Only the bad side of me showed itself to her… and it was something that she would remember… I cannot claim to know how she feels, but… that would be a good guess.

I guess I liked her… I really did.

Regarding Loading Art

2008-06-23T13:10:00.004+08:00

This, is stupid.

Whut

Right.

I don't know about you guys, but genuinely, I think that this sucks. Here I am, a composer, a notecharter, submitting works to allow the server to grow and have more exclusives to entice people, and yet, they do not allow me to use the loading art that a friend made for me, and which I think is awesome and fits the song perfectly. I'm the artist, and notecharter, and in the future, I'm going to spend many, many hours to notechart and compose various songs for contribution to the server, partly because I want to watch it grow and relive the O2 Jam experiences that I have not felt for a long time, and partly because I want to promote my own works and have a sense of pride to see them being played by others. Thus, logically, since I receive nothing, other than the above, for this, I should have jurisdiction of the loading art of the songs. If I like it, I use it. There's absolutely no harm in that. After all, it's only there for less than ten seconds each time the song is played. This isn't an unreasonable request; to let every composer and notecharter choose whatever loading art to use; it's more of a basic right of all artists.

Of course, I'm sure many of you can see the irony presented here by what I've said, but do focus on the subject matter for awhile. D=

Know what they said?

No.

Instead, they throw up stupid excuses like 'it's empty', 'let may do it!' in order to deter me from using the piece of art that I want, and it's somehow already very unclear as to what the fate of Atmosphere's loading art shall be.

What some members of the forum, and the admin, are trying to do here are to insist on the use of their graphics team, and make them responsible for all loading arts of RO2 Exclusives. In a way, this is fine, if the composer and notecharter lacks the friends or the expertise to make the loading arts for them, then okay, they can use the graphics team. Evidently, it's not as if every notecharter already has a loading art at hand from some other source. Moreover, they have duties other than to make loading arts, such as making jamming arenas, starting templates, and other things. There are not going to be rendered useless by what I request, though some short-sighted fools fail to see this.

And ironically, they allow the composers and notecharters to ask from modifications so as to let the loading arts made by them suit their needs. Ha, ha, ha.

What I'm lobbying for is for composers to choose whatever loading arts they want, be it from the graphics team, their friends, other sources, and such. MO2 has done this, and it's not exactly their number one reason for going bankrupt from all of us. I'm not saying that the graphics teams are incompetent in their art (though they can be incompetent..., in other things); in fact, they are all better than what I can ever be. But bleh, they should not be the end all be all of loading arts. Down with this stupid restriction; down I say.

Without a Trace

2008-01-22T21:55:00.000+08:00

... did I make you up, or are you just real?

Should a life be judged by how everyone else sees it? Or should a life be judged by how the person in question sees it? The world as I see it is one filled with repetitions; everyone likes the same music; everyone loves the same celebrities; everyone does what most people do. But deep inside, when no one else is looking; when there is no pressure applied, is there any sense of individuality? Does everyone actually have their own special likings and views that they do not dare express in the open, or is everyone merely a carbon copy of each other?

A human life should be complex. A person should not be able to read the character of another merely by looking at his or her actions in the span of a day. A human life should be made up of numerous intertwining threads of life; a tapestry that is both unique and colourful in its own way. This blog sets out to achieve this; I hope I may be able to list my creations, my feelings, and perhaps my thoughts about the world around me. Although it may be a little anticlimactic for me to express this individuality through mere postings of notecharts, music, or stories, it is hoped that I can maintain this blog for some time (unlike the last one), and fulfill the objectives listed.

It would be nice if you would drop by once in a while, and see what I'm up to. I'll try to update at least weekly, but no promises have been made.